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[Jun. 11th, 2007|06:58 pm] |
So, there we were.
Together, but not together....
and, as always,
not knowing what the hell we were doing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 24th, 2006|09:19 pm] |
Hello, old friend.
I haven't so much as looked at this livejournal in months...simply because there was no need. My journal was always just a repository for me to post my relationship problems. How fitting, then, that I believe this to be my final entry. I chronicled two and a half failed relationships...starting from just after Karly and I met until around one year into my most recent experience. Call it maturation, call it emotional detachment, call it what you will, but I simply don't feel the need to post my feelings here any longer. I haven't for sometime.
My last entry. To bring this journal up to speed, I did change myself in almost every way I could have imagined. I didn't stick to my weight lifting, rather, I got a 3rd shift job moving boxes at UPS and devoted my time to work, studying, and most importantly, my girlfriend. Yes, she and I did get back together after everything settled down. And we were happy...
But things change. People grow, not neccesarily together. Right before thanksgiving, Nicki announced that she didn't want to be in a relationship any longer...much to my dismay. The past weeks have been shaky, to say the least. But it has only been this past week that it has all become truly real to me.
Before I go on, I'm not going to ramble about all the good and bad of Nicki and I. My friends who know me well believe that the relationship was not healthy or good for me. In all probablity, they are right, but I don't want to think about that. It's still much, much too soon. Nor do I want to discuss the dynamics of how and why we are no longer together, or what changed so much this past week. I highly doubt I will ever forget it, however.
The end. Finale. Fin. Final chapter.
It's over.
She's gone.
Tonight, Christmas Eve, I realized...she's gone. Just a year and one day ago, I had one of the best days of my life. Tonight, my family gathered around the living room and we each opened a single gift, as per tradition. As I sat on the recliner, I gazed across the room and saw the sofa... from where one of the few pictures of our relationship was taken. Christmas Day, 2005...I had jsut recived my lion slippers, and my favorite gift of the entire day- a hand made blanket that Nicki made me...with several hearts stiched in. Oh, how I loved that blanket. For the longest time, it smelt of her perfume, and throughout the winter, I slept with it every night. I sat, and I stared at the space where our happy selves once occupied...and I couldn't feel any Christmas joy. I went to my room...and suddenly, I realized...she's everywhere. Our lives were so tightly intertwined that for days since "it" happened, I didn't recognize how many memories were left. So, I solemnly began the task of gathering them up...first, I saw her blanket from the year past. It no longer smells of her, but the simple act of touching it caused a flood of memories to come crashing down. I laid it out on my bed, opened my top dresser drawer and pulled out the box. The box was a gift provided by the school at Prom- an awful, awful night in our relationship...but it was also the beginning of a chain of events that led to the best times in our relationship. Her corsage still rests inside the box...I set it ontop of the blanket. Next, to the note she wrote as I slept on her shoulder during the 20 hour car ride to flordia...then, the picture frame that held a terribly unglamorous picture of the two of us on the beach. I chuckled slightly and placed the note inside the box, and the frame beside it. The turtle she made me went inside as well, as did the contact solution and holding case from my bathroom...simple reminders of the countless nights she fell asleep in my arms. At this point, tears were gently gliding down my cheeks as I remembered all the greaet times she and I had together. Then...the picture. In my opinon, the single best picture ever taken of the two of us. We were lying on my bed, her wearing one of my sweatshirts, kissing. I held the picture...I fell to my knees beside the bed and cried. I don't know how long I cried, I do know that I haven't yet stopped. Disney, Starved Rock, Six flags, Chicago, Iowa City, all came crashing down on me. Watching her sleep, the long car rides home with a perfect comfortable silence, the day after she permed her hair, meeting her mother for the first time...christmas, our birthdays, schooners, UPS...all came crashing down. A year and a half of my life flashed before my eyes...when I finally calmed, I noticed the earrings in her picture. I recalled that she had left one at my house, behind the bed..I reached behind, and produced one of the earings, along with the bracelet she made me. An identical braclet had caused a goofy tan line on my wrist during our Flordia vacation...I could not, however, find the second earring. I decided to call Miss Nicki. She answered, said she couldn't really talk. I asked if it was just the one earring, and said yes, but that she had to leave. She hung up. It really is...over.
Things are so different, now. I'm trying so hard to make her a stranger. I can barely live with the memory of Nicki, much less her person in my every day life. I'm planning on commiting to a weight routine yet again, taking up a new sport, making friends, spending a weekend in Galesburg. Being a happy, young kid. Maybe one day I'll find the kind of love that Adam and Alli have, but i'll tell you one thing- you won't read about it here :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2006|11:21 pm] |
Scrawled this down in a notebook yesterday. Cheesy to some, but hey, profound time in my life, yknow?
So yeah. Shaved my head recently.
Not many people ask why, but let it be known, it wasn't a haircut- its a statement. Not an endorsement of hate, nor a symbol of working class pride- this is my OWN personal FUCK YOU to the trends in my life.
See, for four years, that hair 'pushed me foward' (held me back.)
Girls loved it. Sudenly, I was cute.
It hid my flaws, but not my faults- only my inherient imprefecitions in the physical sense.
Now, its gone. I look in the mirror all the things that were never good enough for middle school social standards. The things that brought me down. For years, I hid him.
No more. With my head held high, I'll embrace my faults.
I'll fix my faults.
I'll be stronger from it all.
Who'd have thought? The buzz of a razor, sound of a rebirth.
I'm free from what you expect of me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 2nd, 2006|08:23 am] |
Reuse this journal
I will, but post only haiku.
Interesting, yes.
It is early, I
feel very tired. No joy
comes from work so early.
Upset my ex, I
did last night. I just didn't
feel like talking. Sorry.
You are my bestfriend.
Without you, I have nothing.
Please, believe my words. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2006|02:20 pm] |
HI.
My name is luke pfister
and to this date, I have failed at everything I tried.
Except ddr. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 2nd, 2006|01:33 am] |
Only one good thing happened today.
I realized my box cutter has a special part made to cut through tape, so i dont have to use the blade itself.
yeah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|09:15 pm] |
UPDATEEEEEE
I ran into an old manager today.
First thing he said to me was
"couldn't make it in the computer repair business?"
I lost my job.
"Didnt fit into the company plan"
Yeah right, lets be honest.
I got fired.
I failed.
Which makes me a... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|04:39 pm] |
Crappy week...
Didnt get the internship.
Stuck at kroger again.
Relationships? For the birds.
BUT
I'm so fucking pumped for tommorow.
This whole week has had me down, depressed, ready to run the fuck away from this town. State. Country. World.
But tommorow...man. I'm happy just thinking about it.
It sucks i can't see bearing arms again, those kids were pretty fucking rad.
And some other bands I dont know of are playing. Solidarity is good, and Once for All is amazing.
But im most excited for In For It.
I jock thenew As the Day Goes/In For It alot. But it's so good, I don't even care.
If you don't love it, than you...suck.
Truth. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2006|09:15 pm] |
Somewhere between stocking feminine hygine products and hiding from Diana (old boss's wife), I realized something.
I'm back to square one.
FUCK.
Fuck it all. I like how my entire life has just gotten smashed into pieces. Everythings changed from a month ago.
As cliche as it is, theres nothing im proud of.
Not my working life.
Not my accomplishments thus far.
Not my personal life.
Not myself.
Whatever. Fuck it all. No more focusing on that. I've wasted enough of my life pitying myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2006|07:27 am] |
ID LOVE TO DETONATE A CARBOMB AT THE DOORS OF YOUR PRECIOUS MTV AND PUT SOME SARIN GAS IN THE CENTRAL AC AT THE VMA'S AND WATCH THOSE BEAUTIFUL FACES TURN ASHEN GRAYYYYYYYYYYYYY
god would forgive me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 4th, 2006|03:20 pm] |
Fuck.
For the first time in years,
i'm lost. and afraid. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|09:04 pm] |
Shes my girl, and i love her :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 31st, 2006|07:12 am] |
wasnt there for me after a super shitty day.
she just got mad at me.
shes going to leave me soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2006|08:46 pm] |
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I want to fucking murder something. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|08:55 pm] |
Tonight I leave my stress behind.
Homework
Work
Girl probz
And I see three of my favorite bands and end the night with some of the best kids on earth.
Death Before Dishonor
Ramallah
King of Clubz
Hit the Ground Dead
Kara's Studio, Moline IL
6 oclock
8$
I'll never hate the hours that i spend dying with this dirty group of kids that don't give a fuck. We'll never be afraid to scream our minds, we laugh at the waves as they crash on us. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2006|08:37 pm] |
This is the first time in a few months that I have been genuinly unhappy for a period lasting longer than 24 hours.
Fuck makeup work, fuck finals, fuck being poor. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 6th, 2006|08:50 pm] |
Sometimes, i get the urge to create something. Anything. A song, lyrics, a drawing, a program. Some way to be remembered. It never comes out right. My words never carry the same power that I feel in my heart, my soul. Each word, Each line, a fragment of whatever it is I was trying to say (This is Hell). What I create will simply be mediocore, and lost in the fucking sea of mediocrity that this world is (Diary). So then...i settle. For nothing. To use and consume; to slide by, living my life in a world that which was created by others; clinging to their words. There can be no independence, nothing unique can be made whe ones identity is based on others thoughts, ideas, beliefs. So one must strive to be more than the sum of your parts, to trancend what you have learned, and come out above the rest.
Success is not based on how much wealth you have acquired when it is time for you to die, rather, how many lives you have inspired and touched (The Contender). Rest in Peace Grandma, you taught me this lesson more than you could imagine. A woman with 6 children, 25+ grandchildren, and is responsible for creating and raising my amazing mother. Absolute success.
My heart ached when I carried the casket.
When we are young, we were tought to dream in stacks and rows,
for to dream larger is to dig yourself a hole. (Modern Life is War) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2006|10:11 pm] |
Her picture in the bottom of my screen is mocking me.
Why wont my nicki awnser her phoneee?
I hate this feeling of helplessness.
I get to see her tommorow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2006|11:36 am] |
So, with the New Year, everyone makes resolutions. Im not much different. Theres alot I want to do...but unlike everyone else, I always complete mine. Last year I wanted to get over 170 lbs. I did, for about 2 weeks, but christ it was hard to stay there.
So this year, I want to get to 175. Which means I need a good diet.
I also need to start running, because my body is starting to die from being so fucking lazy. 2 days a week? Yeahhh, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm going to run the same 2 Mile route from wrestling.
And of course, I need to start lifting again. Im ashamed of my size :(
Monday, Wensday, Friday. Legs, chest, back. i'll dig up my old mass-gaining routine.
I'll decide if i want to use a little creatine later on.
I alsoneed to start drinking more water. Ive been doing good about having 8-10 little cups when I'm at work. This week ive slacked, because im in Lousiana and the ice/water tastes like ass.
I want to finish my Network+ and A+ stuff. I'm almost done with network.
Boy oh boy, I love nicki. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2005|02:00 am] |
Today, alot of my plans for college came crashing down. I was really looking forward to living on campus and being with sweet people all the time, but it just isn't going to work out. In a decision between either driving to ISU every day and living at home, or saving the oney and just going to ICC...well, i chose ICC. Its really quite depressing. But at the same time, id rather just suck it up and deal with another year of living at my non-shitty home than have thousands of dollars in debt when im done with school.
It is quite the disapointment, though. |
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luke1294's journal